And that's where she screwed them both up. She explained/showed/led by example, but since she was also using trickery, the result wasn't exactly what she intended. I think that Allison Kim used that challenge and goal, those potential humanizing feelings partially to gain some leverage and control for herself, and try and manipulate Edriss some to hopefully turn the situation around or at least give her some inner conflict/doubt and muddy the waters, and some to simply help herself cope with the situation. The two of them seemed to make a habit out of choosing hot hosts, so there was possibly physical attraction there if she would allow it, and Hildy--plus Lore, later on, though it seems likely he was in a position to be a mutual friend and confidante to them both, being locked up and Yeerkless most of the time--was the only other person in the world going through the same thing she was. There was definitely an undeniable bond there. She let it form and happen, pushed it along, twisted her brain up into knots to make herself fall in love with him, and thereby influence Edriss to do the same by example and osmosis. Even if she likely never got to actually talk to Hildy during the romance itself, because they wouldn't be so stupid as to both feed at once and allow their hosts to collaborate, even if they only ever possibly got to talk at each other while one was chained up and the other infested.... I think she made herself love him.
The good news was that it sort of worked. The bad news was that it didn't happen completely, and by then she'd probably tangled up her mind and emotions and identity with Edriss' to some extent, in an awkward and ironic symbiosis that she was probably trying to prevent to begin with. I think Edriss did in fact fall in love with Essam, with Hildy, with humanity and their world in general, much like Essam did. Essam seems like he got it far worse and quite possibly went entirely native, and loved both Edriss and Allison deeply, but Edriss fell pretty hard, too. For about a year, she was almost a human, experiencing love and companionship for the first time, a true caring relationship in isolation from her power structure, a whole new world full of possibilities. She learned and performed a gender identity and sexuality, and got a front row ticket to the wonders of humanity, and she was addicted to the experiences and feelings they provided. She loved feeling alive and passionate and connected. But again, even though she was experiencing all of this--it was induced. Artificial. Manipulated. Second-hand, to some degree, because Allison Kim was the one who had originated and pushed it along for her, whereas Essam seemingly got to simply react and let things develop naturally on his side of things. Because it was to some extent tainted by Allison Kim's ulterior motives, Edriss didn't get a pure experience or understanding of love. She again got the what and a glimmer of how, but certainly not the why. No matter how truly she loved Essam in the end.... it was given to her by someone else, and because it didn't come from her initially, she couldn't understand why simply infesting Madra with a well-trained Yeerk and forcing her to love her wouldn't be what she wanted.
That was her fundamental disconnect, and probably a big important factor in why she remained Yeerkish at heart. She could grasp and exploit the motives without understanding them. She could take the cocaine to subjugate Jenny without (mostly) being sucked under herself, and she could rely on the parental affection to ensure that Allison Kim would come so she could ambush her. She could have her children and love them without really getting what that meant. I think she did love her children like she loved Essam--that is, genuinely but without the true, deep understanding that it deserved, because by that point she was so tangled up with Allison Kim that neither of them could help but love them and be influenced by each other, rather than let that love spring wholeheartedly from herself as an individual. They're her children, and HERS because she made them and they should be her possessions, and they're the embodiment of those joyous months of love and happiness and hope and endless potential and possibility.
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timeasmymeasure
(4/5)
Date: 2010-11-03 03:06 am (UTC)The good news was that it sort of worked. The bad news was that it didn't happen completely, and by then she'd probably tangled up her mind and emotions and identity with Edriss' to some extent, in an awkward and ironic symbiosis that she was probably trying to prevent to begin with. I think Edriss did in fact fall in love with Essam, with Hildy, with humanity and their world in general, much like Essam did. Essam seems like he got it far worse and quite possibly went entirely native, and loved both Edriss and Allison deeply, but Edriss fell pretty hard, too. For about a year, she was almost a human, experiencing love and companionship for the first time, a true caring relationship in isolation from her power structure, a whole new world full of possibilities. She learned and performed a gender identity and sexuality, and got a front row ticket to the wonders of humanity, and she was addicted to the experiences and feelings they provided. She loved feeling alive and passionate and connected. But again, even though she was experiencing all of this--it was induced. Artificial. Manipulated. Second-hand, to some degree, because Allison Kim was the one who had originated and pushed it along for her, whereas Essam seemingly got to simply react and let things develop naturally on his side of things. Because it was to some extent tainted by Allison Kim's ulterior motives, Edriss didn't get a pure experience or understanding of love. She again got the what and a glimmer of how, but certainly not the why. No matter how truly she loved Essam in the end.... it was given to her by someone else, and because it didn't come from her initially, she couldn't understand why simply infesting Madra with a well-trained Yeerk and forcing her to love her wouldn't be what she wanted.
That was her fundamental disconnect, and probably a big important factor in why she remained Yeerkish at heart. She could grasp and exploit the motives without understanding them. She could take the cocaine to subjugate Jenny without (mostly) being sucked under herself, and she could rely on the parental affection to ensure that Allison Kim would come so she could ambush her. She could have her children and love them without really getting what that meant. I think she did love her children like she loved Essam--that is, genuinely but without the true, deep understanding that it deserved, because by that point she was so tangled up with Allison Kim that neither of them could help but love them and be influenced by each other, rather than let that love spring wholeheartedly from herself as an individual. They're her children, and HERS because she made them and they should be her possessions, and they're the embodiment of those joyous months of love and happiness and hope and endless potential and possibility.